McDonalds Breakfast Bowls and Other Slimming Snacklets

Since I have an upcoming Vegas trip, I have been on a mission to lose 30 lbs in two weeks. I haven't been to Vegas in like five years, but if it's anything like how I remember, my friends and I are gonna have to do our best impressions of prostitutes in order to get into any clubs without being treated like lepers. Thus, I have embarked on my 12th diet of the year and my sweet loves at McDonalds have released a low-cal breakfast option just in time to help feed my delusions of healthy living.

I pulled up to my favorite McDonalds located in the Target parking lot on La Cienega and Rodeo because it's like Cheers - everyone knows my name. And I am the equivalent of Norm. The guy at the drive-thru window actually worries about me when he hasn't seen me in over a week. The chick manning the window on this particular day gave me a high-five and complimented my lip color. I think I only come here because it's the only place in LA where people are excited to have me there. 

I ordered the Egg White and Turkey Sausage Breakfast Bowl because it only has 250 calories. I was very pleased to find that the MyFitnessPal app already had this entered into its database, so I had to do very limited data entry, which is always a plus for my lazy ass. 

Once I got to my desk at work, I dove into this low-carb fast food miracle and was very pleased with myself for not ordering my usual McMuff's. The egg whites were somewhat fluffy, the turkey sausage didn't taste like shit and the kale/spinach/tomato topping were curiously non-offensive. Above all, it didn't smell like fart like most of their breakfast items. I'm pretty sure that is all you can really ask for in a hearty fast food breakfast.  

Once Vegas is over and done with, I'll definitely be tackling the Scrambled Egg and Chorizo Breakfast Bowl because that one has a hash brown thrown in there and I love when they sneak frieds into healthy shit to make it edible. 

Another place I can always rely on for a nutritious, calorie-deficient meal is Tender Greens. Of course, I always order the hot plates because they come with a side of Yukon Gold Mashed Potatoes a.k.a. a softball sized scoop of thigh-insulating butter. Yes, the salt and pepper chicken and arugula salad were beautiful, but I gravitate toward this place because of those butteryass mashed potatoes and that greased up crostini. 

The other night, we hit up this new restaurant and wine/beer bar in Echo Park called Sub-Tropic. This place is my new jam because it's just a large comfy space that serves booze all day along with a solid selection of snacklets. 

We shared this well-endowed cheese and charcuterie board filled with capicola, brie, romesco and some gorgeous bleu cheese. This is healthy because it's a communal dish that you're supposed to pick at sparingly because you don't want to look like a dick that doesn't know how to share. Unless you order this board for yourself, which would probably indicate that it's either your birthday or you're on your period and those conditions qualify you for calorie counting exemption. 

After all that nervous sharing, I was like fuck it, I'm ordering a salad with a glob of cheese on it. I ordered the Beet and Citrus Pesto Burrata Salad, which was just a stack of yummy squishy things. There was a sizeable glob of burrata on this and I savored every piece of it. This was healthy because it' had the word "salad" in its name. 

Lastly, we shared a CHURRO WAFFLE. YES. YES. YES. Come here and rub it all over your sad little body. Rub it into your scalp. Stick it in your panties. Just do whatever it takes to be in and around this masterpiece of a snack. And I know what you're thinking, "bruh, that is not healthy" and to that I say NAY. What you are neglecting to notice is that the whipped cream is made of GREEK YOGURT a.k.a. the nectar of the Slim Fast flower. Anything containing greek yogurt is automatically waist trimming. Throw out your waist trainer and just guzzle greek yogurt whipped cream - you'll thank me later.

I know you noticed how much sexier my photos are and that's because I got a new phone. Getting wasted at a child's birthday party and losing my phone when I flew off the mechanical bull turned out to be a blessing in disguise after all.